who gives a damn?
by iamuljjang
Summary: Deidara and Naruto's laundry get mixed up and there is a discovery! An indestructible peacock! A gay Lee! Hilarity ensues. Minor SasuSaku. Crack!fic.


**who gives a damn?**

**by iamuljjang**

* * *

_Morning, Naruto's Apartment._

fNaruto woke up one morning in his frog pajamas and said, "What's that smell..?" He opened his eyes and

_BAM! _

His whole apartment is full of dirty laundry!!

There was a knock on the door.

Naruto opened the door to be greeted by a perky smile from Sakura.

"Hey, Naruto! You have any -- WOAH." The stench of the apartment reached her nose. She swatted it away with her left hand, her right hand pinching her nose."YOU REEK. IDIOT, WASH ALL THESE CLOTHES. I'M TAKING RAMEN AWAY FROM YOU FOR A YEAR IF YOU DONT WASH THEM ALL!!"

Naruto shouted at Sakura, who was walking away, "HEY! THESE CLOTHES ARE PERFECT WEAPONS AND OH MY GOD, ONE DAY WE CAN USE THEN AGAINST THE AKATSUKI!! THEIR EYES WILL BURN IN THE MY BALL OF SMELLY CLOTHES!!! THEN WE CAN WEAR THOSE AWESOME GANGSTA' CLOAKS!!"

A random peacock passed by and with wide-eyes, caught Naruto laughing and looking insane.

"MWAHAHAHAA!!" Naruto cackled, his hands cringing, eyeballs staring straight at the sky and a leery smile on his face .

The random peacock, frightened, ran away only to get run over by a truck.

The last thing it heard was the scary cackle.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

* * *

_Noon, Lee's Laundry Wash._

Sakura dragged Naruto by the collar with a sack of dirty clothes over her shoulder.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Naruto shouted. "NONONONO!! C'MON SAKURA, THE PERFECT WEAPON!"

Sakura hit Naruto with the sack, earning a welp from him. "IDIOT!" She snapped. "What's more important? Ramen or dirty clothes?"

"Afgweiuhw8fu."

Sakura smirked. "What's that?"

"Ramen," muttered Naruto in a grumpy, defeated tone.

"Good, now shut up and be a good boy. We're washing your clothes."

"BUTBUTBUT... WHAT ABOUT THOSE COOL CLOAKS? I REALLY WANT ONE! OUCH!"

"IDIOT!!" She screeched.

The same random peacock, still alive, passed by and goes wide eyes again.

_WOOSH!_

The random peacock got hit by a bus.

* * *

_Noon, Lee's Laundry Wash._

Sakura and Naruto entered the laundrymat with dirty laundry. The bell rang as they opened the door, signaling the employees. Out of no where, Lee popped out, wearing a green t-shirt and a pink mini skirt.

"SAKURA-SAN! NARUTO-KUN! WELCOME TO LEE'S LAUNDRY STORE OF YOUTH, SUNSHINE AND PEACOCKS!! I AM ROCK LEE, HEREBY IN YOUR SERVICE FOR ANY PROBLEMS!!! PLEASE CONTINUE WITH YOUR LAUNDRY-NESS!" exclaimed the boy.

Sakura and Naruto ogled.

"Err.. Lee... what's with the outfit?" asked Sakura. Naruto was frozen and petrified, brain trying to erase the (gay) image before him. Lee flashed his pearly white teeth, bright enough to blind an eye (or two). "Do you like it Sakura-san!? Gai-sensei made it for me! He said it is very fitting for me and captures my radiance and youth!!"

He twirled.

"Ahh, the lovely Gai-sensei," he said dreamily.

"Uhh..." Sakura was at a loss for words.

"MY EYES! THEY BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Naruto screeched.

Lee gasped. "YOU LIKE IT TOO, NARUTO-KUN?! HOW WONDERFUL!"

He glomped the blonde boy who was trying to scramble away from the embrace. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"MWAHAHAHAA!" Lee laughed... err.. cackled. Cackle-laughed.

The same random peacock, alive still, tried to enter store but the door behind Sakura slammed against its body and threw it towards the road.

_BEEEEEEEEEP! SLAM! CRUNCH! _

And to be run over by a car. Again.  


* * *

_Noon, Lee's Laundry Wash._

Sakura and Naruto are standing in front of a laundry machine with heaps of Naruto's dirty clothes in a basket .

"This a LAUNDRY machine, Naruto. You put CLOTHES in it and it WASHES them for you," she said in a slow tone, as if explaining to a five year old.

Naruto grumbled. "Stop talking to me like I'm dumb and OOOOOOH I DON'T HAVE TO WASH MY CLOTHES ANYMORE?! BY HAND?! AWESOME!!"

Sakura sighed and slapped a hand over her forehead. "Seriously Naruto, you live in a bubble."

"Can my bubble be made of RAMEN?!" Sparks flew in his eyes. Look at them glitter!

"Err... anyways let's just get this over with." She fished out a pair of blinding orange boxers from the basket and was about to throw them inside the laundry machine when the article of clothing was suddenly snatched away from her grasp. Red from embarrassment, Naruto retorted, "YOU CANT TOUCH THESE. _YOU'RE A GIRL_!!"

"And?"

"Just 'cause _Sasuke _lets you touch his boxers--" Sakura blushed. "--doesn't mean you can touch mine too! I'll throw the clothes in myself!"

"Fine. And just for the record, he doesn't wear boxers _or _briefs." Sakura retorted. Naruto mentally gagged.

The random peacock tried to enter a store once more but Chouji, out of hunger and anger, picked it up by the neck, strangled it, and threw it on the road. Another bus came and run over the poor, defenseless animal. Lee, who witnessed the gruesome scene, proclaimed, "WHAT AN AMAZING, BRAVE, STRONG PEACOCK!! IT'S IMPERISHABLE!! I COMMEND THY PEACOCK!"

* * *

_Noon, Lee's Laundry Wash._

"Are all your clothes in, Naruto?"

"Yup!!"

"Now you turn this button to 'Wash'. She turned a button to 'wash' and water came out, filling up the machine.

Naruto gazed at the machine in amazement.

"You take this detergent and fill up the cup a bit up to the number three line since it's a large load. Three is for large loads, two is for medium loads." She took a detergent, removed the lid and filled the lid up with the detergent as Naruto continued watching.

"Now is a good time to put the detergent in while the water is still filling the laundry machine up." She took the cup and held it to where the water was showering down on the bottom of the machine full of clothes. "See how I'm angling the cup?" Part of the water hit the bottom of the cup, causing the detergent from the cup to splash to the bottom with a water to create bubbles. "Do this until there's no more detergent. Then you just rinse the cup and put it back on the bottle."

She looked at the clock on the wall and continued. "We have to wait about 10 to 15 minutes 'til the button hits to 'Rinse'. We just have to turn this other button to extra-large when the time comes and put a cup of this other bottle--" she pointed at another bottle"--in the water."

Naruto nodded. "OK! Wait.." He raised an index finger at the bottle, squinting. "What does that do?"

"Oh, that?" She waved a hand as if it was nothing and laughed nervously. "It just makes the clothes soft and smells nice."

Naruto looked at the bottle closer and glared. "HEY "LAVENDER SCENT"?! WHAT THE-?! I DON'T WANT TO SMELL LIKE FLOWERS. PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M GAY, JUST LIKE LEE!!!"

He pointed at Lee who is now twirling around in the mini skirt, cradling the bloody peacock in his arms and singing a song to sooth the peacock. The peacock suddenly became deaf by Lee's voice, bit Lee and ran way from the store only to be run over by another bus.

"NUUUUUUU! MY PRECIOUS PEACOCK!!! WHY DID YOU RUN FROM ME!?" The Konoha green beast fell to the floor, sobbing. "EVERYONE LOVES LEE!! BUT WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????"

Sakura and Naruto stared.

"Wow." Sakura muttered and returned to their conversation and smiled. "But it doesn't hurt to smell good, Naruto. Girls like nice smelling guys, you know."

He laughed and shook his head. "Nah, they like the smell of ramen more!!"

"And you would know, how?"

He gave her a skeptical look. "You're a girl, right?"

Sakura's anger flared and her vein throbbed as she slammed her fist at Naruto on his face, sending him outside next to the peacock. The two suddenly got run over by a truck.

"IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sakura roared.

* * *

_Noon, Somewhere in Konoha._

Deidara walked down the street with an armful of dirty clothes. "I love washing clothes, un! It's almost like an art, un! I could almost make a song for washing clothes, un!"

He suddenly burst out singing, "I LOVE WASHING CLOTHES, NANANANA UN!! IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM DRINKING BOOZE NANANANA, UN!! IT MAKES ME SMEELL GOOD, NANANAN UN!! YEAH FOR WASHING CLOTHES UN!!!!!!!!!!"

The same random peacock stared then grumbled, "Well at least he can sing better than that freak."

Deidara froze. "YOU CAN TALK, UN!"

The random peacock shook his head and replied, "No I cant! I'm just another regular peacock! Caw caw! See? Yeah! yeah..." He shifted his eyes left and right to avoid looking suspicious.

"OH MY GOD, UN! You're my new pet now, un!!" He grinned.

"Whatever." The peacock muttered and stalked Deidara inside the store.

Lee grinned. "WELCOME TO--"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, un." He slammed the door at Lee, squishing him.

The peacock immediately froze at the sight of Lee who was tending to his wounds. "That hurt my poor, broken heart-- OH MY GOD."

"SHIT." The peacock swore.

"YOU CAME BACK!!" He grabbed the peacock, hugged it and cried, "I LOVE YOU, MY DEAR PEACOCK FRIEND!!"

Deidara gave Lee a doubtful look. "Uhh.. that's my peacock, un."

Lee didn't hear Deidara though. The peacock twitched. "Shove off!"

"OH MY GOD, YOU CAN TALK!"

"Same reaction I had, un."

Lee ignored Deidara who shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever, un." He walked away and left the peacock and Lee alone.

"NO. COME BACK, FOOL. DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THIS FREAK!" shouted the peacock.

"HOW IS THIS SO?! WHERE IS YOUR VOICE BOX?! HOW?!" He forced the peacocks' mouth wide open and shoved his head in to find the peacock's voice box.

"HELP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Poor, stupid peacock.

* * *

_Noon, Lee's Laundry Wash._

Deidara finished putting the last of his clothes in. The laundry machines beging washing his clothes and left the store, saying to himself, "The laundry should be done in 45 min, un."

Naruto and Sakura entered the store and stared at Lee's head inside the peacock's mouth.

"I CAN'T FIND YOUR VOICE BOX!" He whined, tears in his eyes. Naruto narrowed his eyes at Sakura and scoffed, "And to think you almost made me labeled 'GAY' just like HIM."

Sakura laughed nervously and rubbed the back of her head as they approached the machine full of Naruto's clothes.

"Alright, Naruto, we won't put this bottle in because you hate the scent but we still need to turn the button to extra-large. Naruto--" She put a hand on his shoulder, looked him straight in the eyes and in a serious tone, said, "--I will leave this up to you!"

Naruto nodded. "OK, Sakura-chan!"

"After you do this, we'll come back in 50 minutes or so. I'll be off now."

Sakura left the store, giving Lee one last odd look. Naruto waved bye to Sakura then turned back to his laundry machine. "Turn to... EXTRA LARGE!!"

The button is turned and the machines started pouring water.

"OH MY GOD. I DID IT! YAY!" He danced and cheered. "SAKURA-CHAN WILL BE SO PROUD OF ME!"

He walked out of the store, happy, with hands behind his head, not noticing the random peacock that managed to be free from Lee.

"Damn those two blondes! The 'yeah' one for not saving me from that freak and the other one for JUST EXISTING. I will get my revenge... revengeeeeee!!!!!!!!!" The peacock cackled evilly.

* * *

_Afternoon, Lee's Laundry Wash._

2 1/2 hours later...

Deidara, Naruto and Sakura entered the laundromat.

"What I love about this store is that they dry your clothes for you!" proclaimed Sakura.

"Cool! Then I don't have to do my laundry anymore! YAY!" she cheered.

"I almost forgot about them drying my clothes, un. Thanks for stopping me earlier, un."

Sakura smiled. "No problem! I'm Haruno Sakura and this is Uzumaki Naruto."

"Yo!" Naruto grinned.

"I'm Deidara, un!" He waved and showed the tongues on both the palm of his hands.

"WOAH!!" The two shrieked.

"Are those real?" She asked, ogling at the tongues.

"Nah, I just drew them on my hands 'cause I thought they looked cool, un."

"Er.. okay.." Sakura said.

"I'm an artist!"

"OHHHHH." She formed an 'O' with her mouth and nodded. "That explains everything."

"OK, I can't bottle this up anymore!" Naruto screamed and threw his hands into the air. "YOU'RE WEIRD! What's with the 'un's?! ARE YOU A GIRL OR A BOY? ARE YOU A CLONE OF INO?! AND WHATS WITH THE TONGUES?!"

"NARUTOOOOOOO!" Sakura fumed, punched him and sent him flying off again. Deidara grinned. "Thanks, un."

"Sorry, I forgot to mention his stupidity."

* * *

_Afternoon, Lee's Laundry Wash._

All three friends are in the store again with Naruto covered in smoke, bruises and bandage with a touch of a black eye. His lids closed half way.

"You deserved it, idiot!" Sakura snapped.

"Hmph!" Naruto ignored her and crossed his arms.

"Well time to get your laundry." She ran to the 'pick-up' section of the laundromat and finds the clothes in a basket labeled 'Naruto'. "Here's your clothes, Naruto! See how easy that was-- wow."

A pink eyebrow was lifted in confusion.

"Since when were you into ghetto clothes?"

Naruto rushed over and took the Akatsuki cloak from the basket. "OH MY GOD. COOL! LOOOOOK SAKURA-CHAN! I FINALLY HAVE AN AKATSUKI CLOAK! I'M GHETTO NOW! I'M A GANGSTA'! I AM OFFICIALY COOOOOOL!!"

He cried tearfully and hug it.

"WOOHOO!"

Beside them, Deidara manfully shrieked, holding a blinding orange jumpsuit. He hold up the clothing in both of his hands. "WHAT IS THIS, UN!? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WEAR AN ORANGE JUMPSUIT, UN?!"

"Well..." She rolled her eyes to Naruto.

"HEY, ORANGE JUMPSUITS ARE STYLISH!"

"Psh, whatever, un. Why are you holding an Akatsuki cloak, un? You're not in-- HEY...... THAT'S MINE, UN!" He grabbed the sleeve of the cloak.

"Nuh uh! I found it first!"

The two began a tug of war over the cloak.

"Both of you, stop NOW!!" Sakura pulled both boys away and grabbed the cloak from their hands and continued saying, "OBVIOUSLY, Naruto these aren't your clothes. It's Deidara's. It was just an accidental mix up."

"So I won't get a cool cloak?!" Naruto cried, tears in his eyes. Aww.

"No. Now--" she switched the clothes from the two baskets "--HERE is your own clothing. I don't know why, how this happen, or anything but --

"IT WAS ME!!!!!!!!!!!" cried the peacock, stepping out of the dark corner of the laundromat.

All three gave blank faces.

"What?"

"What?"

"What, un?"

"YOU HEARD ME. IT WAS ALL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MY REVENGE! MWAHAHA! YOU--" He pointed his feet at Deidara "--FOR LETTING ME SUFFER UNDER LEE."

Lee pouted. "You dont like me?!"

"NO, NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME CONTINUE MY EPIC EVIL RANT!" retorted the angry peacock who smirked at the sight of Lee bursting into tears. "As I was SAYING before I was RUDELY interrupted--" He glared at Lee"--YOU ALSO HAD TO SUFFER!"

He pointed his ugly feet at Naruto.

"WHAT?!" Naruto shouted in disbelief. "WHAT FOR?!"

"FOR JUST EXISTING."

The three were speechless.

"MWAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!"

Suddenly Orochimaru randomly popped into the store with a poof of purple smoke. The three gasped.

"OROCHIMARU!"

"OROCHIMARU!"

"OROCHIMARU, UN!"

Lee was still sobbing. Orochimaru smirked and patted the peacock's head. "That was a very good scheme, my precious. Reaking havoc on these pathetic Konoha fools!"

"Thank you, Orochimaru-sama." The peacock bowed his head in respect.

"What is going on here?" Sakura asked.

"I don't know anymore," said the dizzy Naruto.

"It'll tell you what! HAVOC!!" The peacock roared. "THIS IS MY FIRST STEP TO WORLD DOMINANCE! MWAHAHA! WITH OROCHIMARU, I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!!! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

Lee stopped crying and glared, his voice angry, and eyes burning with hate. "I thought you were my FRIEND."

"I never was," retorted the cruel peacock.

"You hurt me beyond repair. My heart is shattered into a million pieces and for that.. YOU SHALL PAY!!!!!!!!!!!" In the background, a random fire bursted out of fire.

Woah.

Lee's pissed off.

The peacock sighed. "All talk, no acti-- ACK!"

Lee burst out all his karate moves for he's a black belt in karate (damn straight bitch!) and killed Orochimaru and the peacock. They flew to the sky, out of Konoha and in the ground at a cemetery. The peacock and Orochimaru's graves came down from the sky and settled on top of their bodies.

Everyone stared.

"Lee... that was..." Sakura began.

"AMAZING, DUDE!! YOU GOTTA TEACH ME THOSE MOVES!" Naruto continued.

"Congrats, un," said Deidara.

"I am sorry, but my heart is broken to do or teach anymore." Lee moped away, depressed. Sasuke entered the store.

"Sakura." Sasuke stated.

"Sasuke-kun!" She smiled and blushed.

"BASTARD!" Naruto snapped.

"Dope." Sasuke muttered.

"Hey, un."

Sasuke gave a nod to Deidara and turned to Sakura, hands in his pocket. "You're almost late for dinner, Sakura."

"Um, but Sasuke-kun it's-- ack!" Sasuke began dragging Sakura away by her wrist.

"It's only 4 o' clock though." Naruto stated, confused.

"Don't forget protection, un!" Deidara cheerfully said with a grin and a wave.

Sasuke glared at the two and slammed the door shut behind him and the even redder Sakura.

"So..." Naruto glanced at Deidara and grinned. "Wanna be laundry buddies?"

"Sure, un."

"ALRIGHT! Same time, same day next week?"

"Okay, un!"

"WOOT!"

They both grabbed their laundry, went out of the store and burst out singing.

"I LOVE WASHING CLOTHES, NANANANA UN!! IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M DRINKING BOOZE, NANANANA, UN!! IT MAKES ME SMELL GOOD, NANANANA UN!! YEAH FOR WASHING CLOTHES UN!!!!!!!!!!"

"You know, you really should stop saying 'un'. You sound like some hippie or drug addict."

* * *

_fin. _

_A/N: I was kindasortamaybe crazy when I wrote this. Bahaha. And yes, I had to put SasuSaku in it. IT'S NO STORY WITHOUT THEM, UN._

_Prompts:_

_- Deidara and Naruto's dry cleaning get mixed up (Konoha)_  
_- Random Orochimaru_  
_- Random peacock_  
_- Lee in a mini-skirt_

_P.S. I don't have anything against peacocks. I swear! _


End file.
